Vulnerability

 Like most people I know, I didn't grow up in a home where it was okay to express your feelings. I was consistently invalidated, gaslit, all the things. My feelings felt like a burden to my parents and eventually to myself.

 I didn't want to deal with them, I didn't understand them. I didn't know how to deal with them.

 I went a lot of my life feeling like I didn't have feelings. But somehow in the same breath I always knew I felt them. I felt other people's feelings. I absorbed them even. Trauma is funny in that way, I became so hypersensitive and aware of other people's feelings yet somehow couldn't give mine the same awareness. 

People saw me as emotionally withdrawn. I didn't show myself being vulnerable a lot, hell I still don't. But something I've been consistently told is "Leo, I never know how you feel". That confused me because, I talk so much. I think I can talk for a whole room if I could, and I thought I was talking about my feelings in my conversations. But I wasn't. I'm just a chatterbox. 

Talking about my feelings is hard. I do enjoy escapism if that means I can avoid addressing my feelings. I take a really long time to process them. I just like to make sure how I feel is absolutely how I feel before I say anything. But I think that can come off too logical at times, and there is no logic in emotions. 

Something I have to do a lot in counseling is use the feelings wheel. Sometimes it's a little annoying (for no other reason than me being defiant) but it's such a good exercise to get me comfortable talking about my feelings. It gives me other words to say that's not weird. 

Even with me trying to heal from my trauma, and reach some personal goals, I think about why is it so hard for me to be vulnerable. Why are my walls always up? Two things that come up are my fear of rejection and my fear of being misunderstood. But if the people I choose to surround myself with actually cared about me and accepted me for who I am, I wouldn't be rejected, right? They'd try their best to understand me, right? I feel like I forget that a lot. 

Having to talk about how I feel is uncomfortable. Sometimes sitting in my feelings, and having to understand the why behind them is uncomfortable too. But it's supposed to be. How else will I get comfortable doing it if I don't keep doing it? How else will I get closer to people if I'm not letting them in?

 With vulnerability comes growth. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone and letting people truly see me is a sign of courage in my eyes. There is no weakness in that. Being vulnerable is not being weak, and that is something I had to understand.

Being perfect is not realistic. No one is perfect, but sometimes I feel like we try to hide our imperfections from others. But allowing yourself to make mistakes and not feel bad for them, is such a subtle way to get closer to people. And in a way, that's being vulnerable. Vulnerability isn't just about talking about your feelings.

One of my favorite things about being human is the connection that comes with it. I think we can all benefit from being a little vulnerable. I wonder how many times I've used that word in this blog.