Self-Expression

I have a lot of ideas for my blog. But a lot of times I do not know how to actually word those thoughts, and one of the topics I wanted to talk about is self-expression.

I've grown up in an environment where I wasn't allowed to express myself healthily and properly. When I did I was invalidated, gaslit, all the negative stuff. So quite naturally I kinda just stopped, and I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself because I didn't feel safe.

I didn't feel safe. 

Not even just verbally expressing myself, but physically too. I couldn't wear what I wanted to wear or present myself the way I wanted to because that's not what other people wanted. It was somehow always about what other people wanted or how they felt, and I had to feel how they felt. Isn't that weird?

People have told me that I was mysterious, and they could never tell how I was feeling. Which I thought was weird because I talk so much! I literally do not stop talking, but I guess I wasn't actually expressing my feelings. 

Lately I've been thinking about all the times I've been invalidated for expressing myself and why that was. I'm not the most vulnerable individual, most describe me as "strong" and "stoic". I've been told by someone once that they legit thought I didn't have emotions, like I was some freak who didn't feel anything. Which is funny, because I feel so many things! All the time, I am full of emotions! 

We live in a world where being emotional or just simply expressing yourself is seen as weak. Yes, no one will always be there to wipe your tears, yes life keeps going, but why do we have to put our feelings in a box? Why do we feel like we don't want to burden or overwhelm our friends if we just want to express ourselves to them? Why is it when I say I'm tired or something bothers me my feelings are minimized? Why? 

Everyone has their own stuff going on, I understand that. But something that I value in my friendships is emotional connection/ intimacy. Why would I want to be friends with people I feel like I can't express myself around?

Anyway, this expressing myself thing is something I've been working on this past year, and I feel like I've gotten better at it. A few of my friends agree, and so does my counselor. I am still very quick to clam up though, and just go quiet, but I'm not as against expressing myself anymore.

I'm no longer interested in being quiet to keep the peace between a bond. I can't control how others feel and I don't want to. 

There will be spaces and people that will accept me for who I am, and will be understanding towards my feelings. I don't want to keep changing parts of myself or limiting parts of myself to appeal to others, and it's not authentic or fair to me. 

Anyway yeah. I don't quite know how to end these posts sometimes but I guess I'm done now. Fun fact I do not really proofread my blogs and I don't like to create an outline for them. I just let my thoughts pour and it's been working so far. I think it's more genuine that way.  


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